Closing the Book

One lesson I’ve learned recently is always be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it. I always ask the universe to provide me with lessons and challenges to allow me to grow, but I haven’t been so welcoming of these challenges once they arrive. I struggle to smile through stressful times, often complaining and wishing things could be better, but when are we ever at a place where things can’t get better? This journey isn’t over til it’s over, and I’m certainly not ready for it to end. I was writing in my journal last night, filling in the final page of the book, when I got really emotional realizing that I was once again leaving behind something and moving on to another leg of this journey. I started writing in the journal over two years ago, having completed one other before this one, so once I finished writing I went back and looked through a lot of the pages, particularly ones right at the beginning of my path. It helped me to see how much I’ve changed, but even more so it reminded me of how much has remained the same. I would write down how stressed I was, how depressed I felt, how much I wished life was easier. But wouldn’t you know, my life IS easier today than it was back then, and all those struggles I felt were too much to handle, I handled them pretty well. I can’t complain when life gets a little tough, because I don’t care what anybody says… it ALWAYS gets better! It doesn’t mean I won’t encounter more challenges ahead, but with the strength that I’ve gained from the past, it prepares for what lies ahead. That’s what this journey is all about; evolving.

I closed my journals and put them back on the shelf, then opened up a new blank book that I’ll use to record this next season of life. Opening up a blank book and seeing nothing but clean empty pages is always a little scary for me. It’s a lot like starting down a road that has no signs, but you just start walking and see where it leads. I sat in quiet meditation for a few minutes, listening for any guidance or a sense of comfort, and then I pulled out a couple of my oracle decks to do a quick reading. The voices that came through the cards, were none other than the spirits that have been with me all along, telling me that I’m not alone and they will continue to be with me on this journey. I’ve got a few deities that I’ve connected with, that span across multiple pantheons and cultures, but in this moment they all surrounded me together to give me comfort and a feeling of protection. I know that I’m not alone, and that I have strength within me that is always available when I need it. I’m still feeling called to begin a year and a day, which I plan on starting soon. I feel like this new year will have a lot of great things in store.

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A Year and A Day

I’ve thought of beginning an official ‘year and a day’, something I haven’t done since I started studying paganism and witchcraft, but as the new year approaches it just seems like a good time to start. My thoughts on it have always been that it’s basically a “trial” period of deciding whether the Wiccan path is right for you and during this trial you’ll learn all the basics before being initiated (this would be in a coven setting). As a solitary who’s been studying for a few years now, I have the basic knowledge but I have no intention of joining a formal group, so what purpose could a year and a day serve?

Well I see value dedicating myself to something, anything. I consider myself a wanderer, but if I just keep wandering in circles, I’ll end up nowhere new. Maybe it’s time to start surveying the landscape I’ve traveled and set down markers indicating where I’ve been. Before dedicating myself to a path, I feel it’s important to really be honest with myself, question the beliefs that I hold, and in the process let go of those things which I won’t have any use for. I’m really tired of feeling lost. I’m tired of carrying around useless baggage that weighs me down, causing confusion along the way. I’ve read a lot of books, most of which I respect and learned a lot from, but the many voices cloud my vision making it hard to focus. I blame myself for craving information and foolishly thinking I can cram it all into my little head, hoping somehow for it all to make sense, but one thing I’ve learned is that this isn’t something that can be rushed. Patience is key, and I’ve just gotta go with the flow.

I love witchcraft. I love all the different correspondences and symbolism, and the art of bringing things together to form a spell. I also feel deeply connected to the old pagan gods and I enjoy the idea of them being able to interact with us today. My draw towards Wicca is inspired by this, and I feel that’s why Wicca is right for me so starting a year and a day just seems like the right thing to do. But I also fear the idea of committing to just one thing. I guess I’ve always been scared of labels, and being forced to go into a box, so subconsciously I jump from one thing to the next to avoid settling in one spot for too long. Maybe it’s a fear of facing myself and actually looking at who I am as a complete and whole person. This is where I need to begin this journey of a year and a day. I need to look at who I am, and every aspect of my being that comes together to form the unique person that is me. I’m not really good at this, but I’m going to try anyways. This is the start of a new direction.